The Quatre Conspiracy
by Night-Mare-Chan
Summary: Why does everyone love Quatre? Read this quirky little 'essay' and find out if you agree with it or not.


It is a well known fact that three out of five Gundam  
  
Wing viewers adore Quatre (the others adore Duo and a  
  
percentile adore various other characters.) Why is  
  
this? What makes Quatre so popular with the fans?  
  
To answer this question I have devised a rating system  
  
on which to base our judgment. Looks, squishiness,  
  
skill, humor, predictability level and one quaintly  
  
named how long is the fuse....  
  
Looks:  
  
Quatre is a very pretty boy. (one of the few blond  
  
haired, blue eyed arabians I've seen) He has a sort of  
  
golden charm.  
  
This however cannot be the cause of his likeability  
  
because Zechs alone could give him the run for his  
  
money (when he takes off that stupid mask. Some people  
  
can make a mask work (no da) and some people can't.)  
  
Squishiness:  
  
Quatre is very squishi. Being squishi simply means  
  
that he's fun to hug. (Unlike Heero who rates very low  
  
on the squishi scale unless of course you like a cold  
  
metal gun being jammed between your ribs.)  
  
This could be labled his strongest asset (and boy he  
  
has some nice assets...) except that alot of people  
  
don't like their characters squishi.  
  
Skill:  
  
Quatre is a very skilled pilot...but then again...so  
  
is most of the cast. And anyway, Heero could most  
  
likely outshoot him. (Not that we want Heero to  
  
outshoot him because Heero is a lot harder to  
  
negotiate with.  
  
Lt. Expendable: Please don't sho-  
  
Heero: Omae o Korosu  
  
*Expendable is a greasy little smear on the floor, and  
  
the wall and on the nice newly upholstered chair that  
  
Trieze'd have a fit over if he ever found out.*  
  
Compared to...  
  
Lt. Redshirt: Please don't shoot!  
  
Quatre: Will you surrender?  
  
Redshirt: Well no but...  
  
Quatre: Sorry.  
  
*Redshirt joins his comerade in arms.... Well at least  
  
Quatre apologized **before** hand other then then the  
  
oh so tactful I'll destroy you*  
  
But I digress.  
  
Humor:  
  
Quatre has a fair sense of humor... Moreso then the  
  
previously mentioned Heero or Wufei for that matter.  
  
But then again Duo has a far better sense of humor  
  
even if he does always have to laugh at his own jokes.  
  
Duo: Anyway...his car broke down on the road and he  
  
ended up at this farmers house and this farmer had  
  
seven daughters and they all were trumpet players see-  
  
Quatre: *forced* That's really funny Duo...  
  
Duo: I wasn't done...  
  
Trowa: And lets not continue that line of thought  
  
shall we?  
  
Duo: Whatever you say, Chuckles.  
  
Trowa:...  
  
Quatre: You really shouldn't make fun of Trowa's old  
  
circus name...  
  
Duo: Why'd they call him that anyway? It'd be like  
  
calling Mr. Anal retentive over there Barney or  
  
something.  
  
Wufei: Don't make me hurt you Maxwell....  
  
Predictability Level:  
  
Quatre has a pretty high predictability level. You  
  
expect him to be nice and polite and have heart  
  
attacks whenever Heero commits suicide (or tries to  
  
anyway, boy's tougher to kill then a cockroach.)  
  
*Heero eats a miniature time bomb.*  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
*bomb explodes sending smoke and bomb fragments  
  
everywhere. When smoke clears...Heero is sitting there  
  
a little singed but otherwise okay.*  
  
Heero: Tastes like chicken...  
  
*Duo eats a bomb*  
  
Duo:...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Why won't it explode?!  
  
Trowa: Maybe you should have turned it on.  
  
Wufei: Good luck. Duo has a hard time turning things  
  
on.  
  
Duo: I think I should hit you for that Chang...  
  
  
  
How Long is the Fuse?:  
  
Quatre has a very long fuse. It is very difficult to  
  
get him angry. Well actually it's a bit difficult to  
  
get Heero or Trowa angry either. All you'd have to do  
  
is scratch Deathscythe and have Duo ready to sacrifice  
  
you to the coconut god  
  
Duo: *stomps into the house* All right! Which ass  
  
backed his gundam into MY Deathscythe?!  
  
Wufei: Didn't know it was standing there...it's so  
  
weak and hard to see...  
  
Duo: I'll show you weak!! *stomps off and brings in  
  
Deathscythe, crashing through the roof of Quatre's  
  
house.*  
  
Wufei: Injustice! I can't fight that thing!  
  
Duo: Scared little boy?  
  
Wufei: Never! I'll beat both you AND your onna gundam!  
  
*one window breaking, earth shaking, massive amount of  
  
property damage making gundam battle later...Quatre's  
  
car pulls in the drive*  
  
Quatre: M...my...my house....  
  
Duo/Wufei: Oops.  
  
Quatre: Heh...heh heh heh...  
  
Duo: Oh CRAP! He's doing the weasel laugh again!!  
  
*Quatre flares up with battle aura*  
  
Quatre: You are going to get it where it hurts.  
  
THIS PORTION IS UNFIT FOR CHILDREN, PREGNANT MOTHERS  
  
AND PEOPLE WHO REALLY JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW. UNTIL  
  
IT HAS SETTLED HERE IS A BIT TAKEN FROM ANOTHER FANFIC  
  
INVOLVING A RIVITING CONVERSATION BETWEEN HEERO AND  
  
TROWA...  
  
Heero: ...  
  
Trowa: ...  
  
Heero: ...?  
  
Trowa: ...  
  
Heero: ...!  
  
Trowa: .(hic) .(hic) .(hic)  
  
Heero: ... -_-;;;;  
  
AND NOW BACK TO THE MAIN PROGRAM  
  
Quatre: Oops! Did I do that? I'm really sorry guys...  
  
Duo: No...*twitch* prob *twitch twitch*  
  
Wufei: I don't think joints are supposed to bend this  
  
way...  
  
But what was I saying? Oh right...the reason why  
  
everyone likes Quatre.  
  
Well...umm...scientifically...umm...because...umm...hmm...good  
  
question. Look it up! ^_~  
  
~~~  
  
C&C welcome  
  
Standard Disclaimers Apply  
  
Wo Ai Ni, No Da  
  
Night~Mare  
  
~~~~  
  
If Fed-ex merged with UPS would it be Fed-Up no  
  
da?-Chichiri 


End file.
